spider stories (or... how shatoushka hates spiders

[SHATOUSHKA]

there is certainly no message icon that adequately fits this category. i have chosen the anger imposing smiley because dammit! i hate spiders!!!

and i mean:
<font size=100> I FREAKIN HATE 'EM!!!!</font>

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[SHATOUSHKA]

ok. first let me give you a little background. i hate those fukkin things.
bugs in general...but spiders mostly.

how did it begin?
when i was a kid, my grandmothers yard touched ours. her yard was fence-to-fence garden. i'm not talking about a nice, manicured thingamajig, i'm talkin EDEN.
anyway, i'm screwin around in her garden and then i decide to go home.
upon entering my yard through the gate, i happen to look down and there.....
LOW AND BEHOLD!!!!
spiders.
lots of em.
tons of em.
crawling their hideous bodies all over me.

i go spastic and there you have your neatly packed neurosis for the rest of my life.

now, what is interesting:
i like to watch discovery channel and see all those kinda spider shows...
but i'll be damned if i'm sharing breathing space with one.

if none of you have ever experienced shat on a spider trip...let me tell ya...it ain't pretty. actually, its quite embarrassing.
ok. i'm a pansy. i'll admit it.

for those of you who have experienced this sight... you are my hero-- cuz i'm sure you were the one killin the damned thing.


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[SHATOUSHKA]

tarantula story #1:

so there i am going to the mall.
yeah, i know... me and the mall...who'da thought???
anyway, i'm darting throught the streets behind the mall when all of a sudden i see this...this THING walkin out in the middle of the street.

it was a fukkin tarantula.

how do i know? cuz i drove by it....several times.
as i said earlier, i'm intrigued by them. but this sucker was HUGE!!! and i was curious to watch it's movements.

i know it had to be someone's lost pet. well, i HOPE it was a lost pet. cuz it was big and black and orange. and i don't recall having that species in this area of the world.

so there i am, driving back and forth on this street to watch it.
i CERTAINLY wasn't going to pull over and get out. screw THAT!!!!

i watched it until it crept up into this yard.

i eventually drove off when i couldn't see it any longer (from the car).
needless to say, i left the scene thinkin:

"boy! i'd sure hate to live there!"

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[SHATOUSHKA]

orb spider story #1:

i used to live in GA. now i realize that this is not pertinent to the storyline, but i love GA and i like to tout it whenever i can.
anyway, it was about the time jurassic park came out on video--
how do i know this? i was going to wal-mart to buy it.

so i'm at wal-mart. and as usual, i wanted to visit the garden section, being the flower freak that i am.
this wal-mart was awesome cuz it didn't have a garden section.... it cut out a piece of the freakin amazon and had it shipped in.
i'm talkin' trees and waist-high bushes and all sorts of stuff. it looked like freakin disneyworld.
(maybe YOUR wal-marts are like that, but these here aren't)
so i'm walking through this GLORIOUS wal-mart amazon-- when i just about walk through this row of scattered trees and then my eye (trained by now) caught my attention at what was before me:

<font size=75> a freakin web stretching about 5 feet across!!!! </font>
in the middle of this death-trap was a freakin orb spider (remember, i watch discovery!).
at first i was shocked...naturally because I HATE SPIDERS!!!! but then i became interested in looking at it.
i was thinkin:
that is so cool!!! mainly because apparently no one walked through there for some time.
but then i remembered that:
<font size=75> I HATE SPIDERS!!!</font>

and i hauled ass outta wal-mart.
(and no, i did not get the movie.)


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[SHATOUSHKA]

tarantula story #2:

this happened pretty recently. thinking of it now STILL makes me freaked.

i decided to do something nice for a particular somebody by taking his car to a carwash and cleaning it out (since he doesn't seem to know how).
anyway, i get out of the car and go over to the trash can in the attempt to pull it over to the car. (it wasn't the nicest of carwashes)
so i go down to pull the trash can and all of a sudden this THING runs out from under it and runs over my feet a few times before it heads under the car.

it was huge. i thought it was a mouse. but no, it was a fukkin tarantula.
how do i know this?
i leaned down to see where the mouse went.
he was sittin there behind the back wheel.

i was instantly shocked and found myself in a terrible predicament:
i had left the car door open. i was afraid that the tarantula would go in there.
i had figured i could pull off a dukes of hazard move and catapult myself into the (now awaiting) open car door...
but i wasn't stepping FOOT near that spider.
i was also alone. which means no big, strong tough guy there to do something about it.
in the neighboring stall was this little ol' bluehaired woman washing her glass cadillac.

i had to use my...er....wits (with a W).

i walked to the adjacent gas station to see if i could get some help. (i KNOW this sounds so pansy)
i musta looked scared as shit because the guy behind the counter asked if i was alright. this dude had about 200 piercings in his face alone. i thought, "surely this guy will help me."
so i explained my...er...situation.
the guy said, "i'd love to help you but i'm scared of spiders too."
i think i stood there for about 20 seconds trying to match that statement to the face-of-shrapnel in front of me.
well, he went outside and hailed this chick.
she musta worked their too, only she wasn't on the clock.
she was this frail lookin thing (blonde and all) and he told her about it.
(i was really embarrassed then...but at this point, i was DESPERATE!!!)
they both came over to the carwash.

the spider, fortunately (???) was still in the same spot. i showed them where it was. the chick went and dug in the garbage and found this empty coke carton and tried to jab the bastard out from under the car.

it worked. i assume this since, at the moment it ran out, i was hauling ass.
when i felt i had gotten far enough away, i looked back and saw the chick trying to scoop the bastard-spider into the carton to, i guess, take it to the neighboring field.

this jerk wasn't gonna go into that carton, let me tell ya. instead, it ran into the neighboring stall with the old lady.

since she was (still) hosing her glass cadillac off, the water droplets fell from the back of her car onto the spider's back.
that sucker jumped up and into attack mode then. it had its front legs all sprawled up and baring its fangs.
i was lucky i hadn't passed out.

the girl yelled at the old lady that there was a spider under her car, but as she did, the bastard showed itself.
without batting a lash or grasping her pearls, the old lady smoothly aimed the water wand at the spider and like john freakin wayne, shot it with water.

it was awesome.

the spider was carried out a few feet. pissed and wet, it sat there a few seconds prolly trying to get its equillibrium back.
needless to say, the chick went over and covered the thing up with that coke carton and i hauled ass to the car, slammed the door...

and i will never go to that carwash OR gas station again.

(and i haven't)






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[Mr. Robin]

Why is it that I get the impression that you, somehow, don't seem to LOVE spiders??

Why? I ask!

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My Teacher is in all people, but not all people are my Teacher

[Hannibal]

At least it's not a dehabilitating phobia.
What you have sounds like a common problem with overcoming the fears in your life, which could stem from several. er.... nevermind. Anyways...
I was on drugs once, and I saw spiders all over the room, crawling everywhere!!
it was nuts,
then I passed out and the drugs wore off.
Later I woke up to see this big smiley face sitting on my bed, I shook my head, and it was gone.

But alas, my problems are not near yours!

My dad while hunting in Alaska once, woke up to a huge wolf spider*or some sort* on his cheek, sitting there. Talk about paralyzed!

We have some HUGE spiders that create HUGE webs across our riding trails round here, and last year i was making some new trails through the woods and ran through one of them. The sucker was smack in the middle of my handlebars!!
Needless to say i pulled over and got off the bike to find a suitable stick to knock him off with.

But all the spiders while on drugs was the worst! They crawled all over! I even ate a few!

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As miserable as life may be I hold it pretty precious...

If I lose the light of the sun, I will write by candlelight, moonlight, no light. If I lose paper and ink, I wil write in blood on forgotten walls. I will write always, I will capture nights all over the world and bring them to you.
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[SHATOUSHKA]

apparently what you do not understand, hanny...
is that when i said: <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Bradley Hand ITC, Tahoma, Lucinda Console">quote:</font><HR>if none of you have ever experienced shat on a spider trip...let me tell ya...it ain't pretty. actually, its quite embarrassing.
ok. i'm a pansy. i'll admit it.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

i WAS referring to a dehabilitating experience.

(and mr. robin-- you couldn't be more correct-- tee hee)



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[TastinGood]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Bradley Hand ITC, Tahoma, Lucinda Console">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Hannibal:
We have some HUGE spiders that create HUGE webs across our riding trails round here, and last year i was making some new trails through the woods and ran through one of them. The sucker was smack in the middle of my handlebars!!
Needless to say i pulled over and got off the bike to find a suitable stick to knock him off with.

<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Yeah, first loop out you want to always be "kind" and let someone else lead, lol. I HATE getting spider webs all in my helmet and on my face!! Or when you are racing and you get a bug in your helmet and you cant get him out! Shit I hate bugs too!


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[SHATOUSHKA]

lol....

i'd like to have seen that.
and hear the shrieks of girl-dom in the process.

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